Cake Wreck...

It's hard to walk away from something when I am passionate about it, talented, and not to mention award winning at it, but it has to be done. See, I'm kind of what you might call a "cake wreck".

I baked my last batch of cupcakes last Monday night, May 2nd. By "last", I mean that I am no longer going to bake. I am no longer taking orders. Even from friends. Sorry.

Why do I want to throw in the oven mitts?

1. I no longer want sugar, dairy, or processed foods in my house.
2. I believe sugar to be toxic and highly addictive... (and now that I have come to that realization, I do not wish to poison other people.)
3. I never made any real profit from baking because of high overhead costs, baking in small batches here and there, and the waste of leftover ingredients I had to either eat or throw away.
4. (And the biggest reason): I am battling a form of bulimia. My triggers are sugar and processed foods. The bulimia I speak of is mainly "exercise bulimia"... I do not binge/purge, as throwing up is just not my style, but I did practice a great amount of "tasting" as a wine taster would.

I am sorry if my decision is an inconvenience to you. Trust me, it’s very hard to tell you “no” when I am a people pleaser, I know I make the best cake in Sacramento, and one of the reasons I bake is to justify eating “forbidden” foods. But I can’t play this game anymore. I am tired of being on a ridiculous cardio/sugar cycle.

Every time I think I am OK and I can handle the baking thing or having butter, sugar, flour, etc, in the house, I blow it. I'm like a two-year-old junkie. I go ballistic. I don’t stop until it’s GONE. All I can figure is that I am truly addicted to sugar in almost any form. 

To justify my behavior, I would run miles and miles (burning 800-1,000 calories at a time). The exercise would in turn only make me hungrier and crave more food/sugar. More sugar...more running... more sugar...more running. Have to burn it off, but so exhausted.

So, that is why I have to stop literally running myself into the ground.

I should not be dressing to hide my body. I should not be staying home away from social events because I am ashamed of the way I look, but this has been happening for about 6 months now. I avoid cameras like the plague and untag photos of me that pop up on Facebook when people have managed to sneak and take them. I am only 33 and THIS SO SHOULD NOT BE the story of a semi-attractive, funny, personable woman with several friends. I want to be as fit and beautiful as possible, unashamed of going out. I want to be in lots of photos, smiling, and just enjoying life. So, being as honest as I can with all of you, and changing the way things have been is absolutely essential for me.

I have been following a new plan for the last month and it is working pretty well (albeit achingly SLOW). I am heartbroken I can’t fit into many of my clothes right now from even six months ago. I am down 10 pounds but still have 20 to go. I don't blame my body for the slow weight loss, being completely confused on what to do with food I actually do eat... as my body is used to being starved and then crammed with sugar and then exercised to death. The weirdest part is that I have understood food and nutrition for years, and yet I have had such an odd, tortuous relationship with food and exercise.

In addition to the weight loss, I hope to also understand the reasons behind my self-destructive behavior, and to somehow reroute my energy when I am anxious, or energize myself without the use of food when I am feeling blue.

The cakegrrl website/twitter handle will go on as it always has. I am grateful to have this website, to be tied to the name, and to be semi-known here in the Sacramento food world. I will still attend events, do restaurant reviews, promote/attend fundraisers, provide food news and occasional recipes. And soon, I hope to post before and after pictures. I will also be starting another food website that is dedicated to the type of diet I now follow, called Paleo.

I hope you all understand.