Thursday, September 06, 2007

I've Got Issues... Want a Subscription?

Deciding on how much to blog about all this. Maybe many of you struggle with the same things I do, so I won't look like such a jack*ss. (Trust me, I wouldn't talk about any of this on here unless I thought that maybe I could impact at least ONE person in a positive way). I know some people that come here to engage in schadenfreude and were hoping I would eventually self destruct, but I am not playing that game anymore. Throughout my life, I have battled with my weight and eating too much or too little. Now its go time and I am doing things to get back on track.

I would have never had a normal life (normal: eventually get married, have a family, get a real job) if I continued the path I was going down. Of course, I would love to continue baking and taking pics of food, blah blah... But for me, I have come to realize how stupid this behavior is. Because I can't even freaking cook or bake anyway. Ha!

I am probably only obsessed with food because I have been hungry, and at times starving for four years now. I don't look like it now. I am at a fairly healthy weight (around 110-112). But, I know things are still out of control and I can't continue to live like this. And I am a lot heavier than I would like to be. Of course, a lot of weight on me is 5 pounds because of my height. It's true that I have some body image issues, but it is also true that I could stand to lose a little.

I bought a heart rate monitor, the Polar F6. Yesterday for the first time, I was able to accurately measure the calories I burned during my workout. 933 (over a two hour span)! I am not sure why I didn't invest in a HRM a long time ago.
Anyway, I am working on trying to work out LESS, and eat the proper amount, accurately monitoring calories in and calories out so that I can eat real food, three times a day. I think I was over training and starving myself, so my body was taking in a storing anything it could hold on to. I am better than this, I know I am. I have felt like human garbage at times. This has been quite recently. I have really nothing to be depressed about, but this sane part of my thinking does not stop me from getting sad or having bouts of violent anxiety. But over the past two days, I have been feeling a little better. I feel like I am no longer sabotaging myself, and instead I am doing things to help myself succeed and engage in healthy thinking and behavior.

5 comments:

Eileen and Sue said...

from the pictures I've seen of you your very tiny. Yes, you do have a terrible self image (no offense). You need to find a good nutritionist and learn to eat right and not deprive yourself. Yes, I'm overweight I could stand to loose another 20lbs or so but I've gotten to the point where as long as I don't deprive myself of something I want (a small serving)then I'm better at eating like I'm supposed to and not yo-yo up and down. Good luck with your endeavor to get yourself right.

Anonymous said...

your = possessive. you're = you are

Mindy said...

I just saw you on Friday and let me just say I would kill to look like you! I know I don't know you well, but I had no idea you felt this way about yourself. You shouldn't. No one would ever look at you and think you're fat. I've spent most of my life battling my weight and I continue to do so. If you ever want to talk you know how to find me.

Scoopette said...

I'm calling the grammar police on commenter No. 1.

Oh wait, I forgot. I am the grammar police.

cakegrrl2007 said...

One day at a time.

Mindy, I used to weigh over 145 (size 14-16) so I still see that in the mirror.

Eileen and Sue,
Thanks for the well wishes, everyone could stand to re-examine their food issues. Especially food bloggers.

Thanks for the tip, Scoopette. Please PLEASE let me know if I am ever f-ing up in the grammar department. (Um, constantly!!) Ha.