Thursday, May 05, 2011

Cake Wreck...

It's hard to walk away from something when I am passionate about it, talented, and not to mention award winning at it, but it has to be done. See, I'm kind of what you might call a "cake wreck".

I baked my last batch of cupcakes last Monday night, May 2nd. By "last", I mean that I am no longer going to bake. I am no longer taking orders. Even from friends. Sorry.

Why do I want to throw in the oven mitts?
  1. I no longer want sugar, dairy, or processed foods in my house.
  2. I believe sugar to be toxic and highly addictive... (and now that I have come to that realization, I do not wish to poison other people.)
  3. I never made any real profit from baking because of high overhead costs, baking in small batches here and there, and the waste of leftover ingredients I had to either eat or throw away.
  4. (And the biggest reason): I am battling a form of bulimia. My triggers are sugar and processed foods. The bulimia I speak of is mainly "exercise bulimia"... I do not binge/purge, as throwing up is just not my style, but I did practice a great amount of "tasting" as a wine taster would.
I am sorry if my decision is an inconvenience to you. Trust me, it’s very hard to tell you “no” when I am a people pleaser, I know I make the best cake in Sacramento, and one of the reasons I bake is to justify eating “forbidden” foods. But I can’t play this game anymore. I am tired of being on a ridiculous cardio/sugar cycle.

Every time I think I am OK and I can handle the baking thing or having butter, sugar, flour, etc, in the house, I blow it. I'm like a two-year-old junkie. I go ballistic. I don’t stop until it’s GONE. All I can figure is that I am truly addicted to sugar in almost any form. 

To justify my behavior, I would run miles and miles (burning 800-1,000 calories at a time). The exercise would in turn only make me hungrier and crave more food/sugar. More sugar...more running... more sugar...more running. Have to burn it off, but so exhausted.

So, that is why I have to stop literally running myself into the ground.

I should not be dressing to hide my body. I should not be staying home away from social events because I am ashamed of the way I look, but this has been happening for about 6 months now. I avoid cameras like the plague and untag photos of me that pop up on Facebook when people have managed to sneak and take them. I am only 33 and THIS SO SHOULD NOT BE the story of a semi-attractive, funny, personable woman with several friends. I want to be as fit and beautiful as possible, unashamed of going out. I want to be in lots of photos, smiling, and just enjoying life. So, being as honest as I can with all of you, and changing the way things have been is absolutely essential for me.

I have been following a new plan for the last month and it is working pretty well (albeit achingly SLOW). I am heartbroken I can’t fit into many of my clothes right now from even six months ago. I am down 10 pounds but still have 20 to go. I don't blame my body for the slow weight loss, being completely confused on what to do with food I actually do eat... as my body is used to being starved and then crammed with sugar and then exercised to death. The weirdest part is that I have understood food and nutrition for years, and yet I have had such an odd, tortuous relationship with food and exercise.

In addition to the weight loss, I hope to also understand the reasons behind my self-destructive behavior, and to somehow reroute my energy when I am anxious, or energize myself without the use of food when I am feeling blue.

The cakegrrl website/twitter handle will go on as it always has. I am grateful to have this website, to be tied to the name, and to be semi-known here in the Sacramento food world. I will still attend events, do restaurant reviews, promote/attend fundraisers, provide food news and occasional recipes. And soon, I hope to post before and after pictures. I will also be starting another food website that is dedicated to the type of diet I now follow, called Paleo.

I hope you all understand.


Anonymous said...

You should take look at Wayne Theibaud's work,maybe you should paint. But don't eat the paint!?

Eileen and Karen said...

That's a tough decision you made but I totally understand and I wish you great success. I'm sure you will be happier and healthier for it.

Anonymous said...

I totally understand where you are coming from. I am 52, and I too had a major "aha" about the harm that comes to us from processed foods. Our bodies are not made for them. We do not have the flat teeth and 3 stomachs that cattle do for eating grains and grasses, and the more the food we eat looks like its natural state the easier it is for our bodies to use it to our benefit. I began eating paleo about 6 months ago and it has made a HUGE difference in the way I feel and move. I acknowledge you for taking care of yourself first!

Anonymous said...

Bravo! I have had major food issues as well. When you wrote about dressing to hide your body, my heart sunk as I can totally relate. The same 30 pounds up and down is making my life miserable. I have the tools, but not the willpower! I weigh 155 and should weigh 125. At 125 I am happy, outgoing and strong. At my present weight, I try to avoid social situations, then sit home and feel horrible.

I am going to follow your lead and today I will start on my journey. A year from now I can either be happy again, or hiding behind something....anything to avoid being seen.

Please post your journey and I will be right there beside you!

Thank you for your candor and courage to tell your story!!!



Tonja said...

Can you please email me?? I swear I wrote this blog post. We need to be friends... seriously. My email is available through my Google/Blogspot profile... I may not have been extreme as you (not exercising it off as extreme as you, but I did run a 1/2 marathon, am doing some Beachbody programs, etc.), but I have the very same issues. I have NO clothes except a few sundresses that fit me for summer, and have at least 25 pounds to lose (yo-yo all the time), and get this.. I'm 33, female, in the Sacramento area and love baking *sigh*

I'm with you.. but I feel like I need to KNOW you! :)

Marcia said...

Great post! I have the same issues, not baking, but plain old sugar, candy, etc.. I am withdrawing right now from candy, I went hog wild over Easter. I still have sugar in the house. I am going to google Paleo and check it out. I have all the 'clean eating books' and every time I try it, I get overwhelmed. Best of luck CG. Please keep us all posted. Marcia